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This past year has been intense, and especially these past few years... I look at the me from a decade ago and I barely recognize them. Hopes and dreams have changed, life upended multiple times. Disowned my relatives and now I've adopted a large chosen family. Gone from alone to feeling loved by so many people, and one especially in particular. My egg finally cracked. I started HRT. Changed my name twice. Been traumatized multiple times. Unpacked so much fucking trauma. Moved so many times. My profession took off. My profession crashed and burned. And I'm about to start it all over again.

I just turned 39 last friday... and honestly I feel really hopeful for my future... even with a new holocaust looming over my head. But I also look back and am happy where I am...

#LGBT #Trans #TransWoman #Life #Family

#trans #lgbt #family #transwoman #life
in reply to Shiri Bailem

Shiri Bailem
Shiri Bailem
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And some of the trauma I've been unpacking:

  • I get incredibly anxious now when someone I care about is uncomfortable, especially if I might be connected to that discomfort. It goes beyond fawning and can easily turn into me pestering them with excessive check-ins and an overbearing effort to try and comfort a discomfort that may not even be there.
  • I'm scared of physical intimacy... I've always craved it, I need it... but I don't really pursue it like I need anymore.
  • I've realized I can get callous very quickly when I sense potentially malicious manipulation, it serves me well but I recognize now that it's definitely the sign of something broken that I can become coldly calculating so quickly
  • I have a powerful resistance to gaslighting that I've developed from a lifetime of people attributing reasons and understandings to my actions that were not there, from just accusing me of non-existent disrespect (#autism) to calling me lazy when I'm suffering from executive dysfunction.
  • I am constantly terrified of how I'm perceived and especially that I might be distrusted... I spent most of my life wanting to connect with people, predominantly women (go figure I wanted to be friends with women more than men in retrospect...) and being shut down because I was seen as a man... because there was not a single action I could take that they didn't already do to try and manipulate women... (well... I finally found one action they won't take lol)
  • While I no longer have a broadly negative self-image, I can say positive things about myself and believe good things about myself... a nugget of dissonance still remains. A part of me still struggles to believe I can be loved despite all the blatant evidence in front of me. I know that part is wrong, but it makes all my love given and received feel so very very raw.
  • I spent so very very long isolated, especially emotionally... What love I felt wasn't healthy, it was mostly the love of obligation that you get in dysfunctional conservative families. Having spent my whole life without feeling it, genuine love is incredibly overwhelming... I think about my family and it feels like I'm stretched taught over a creaking barrel ready to blow from pressure... So when the people I love give me a way to show them love, it feels like an intense pressure valve release.
#Autism

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