I'm really broken and miserable right now...

Everything is just too much, every minute feels like an incredible struggle both physically and mentally...

To start, I'm disabled, not that the government cares. My ADHD is really bad, especially when I'm exhausted and/or stressed (which is all the time), it's beyond incredibly difficult to start tasks let alone focus on them...

After that is my physical issues, of which there's little even figured out because the healthcare system is hell... I'm in constant pain, especially in my legs, moving or not. But when I move, every muscle has more and more over the years started to feel less and less flexible. My range of motion is shot, and every single movement takes more and more effort. (last suggestion from a doctor right before she left the practice, and I have no idea if it's at all accurate is she was thinking it might be fibromyalgia).

I'm not even sure if it's just an extension of that or something else, but I'm also constantly exhausted no matter how much rest I've had.

... and that's my fucking baseline...

I'm trans, not only in the US but in fucking Texas... so I'm dealing with all this government bigotry increasingly bearing down on me... and the knowledge that it's only a matter of time before they start arresting us just for existing.

I'm barely afloat financially, just short of a living wage... but after so long in poverty and so many instances of getting financially screwed I'm pretty much drowning in debt... Worst of all is the $5k a previous apartment complex wants because I was living with a sibling who had an emotional crisis, to the point of being institutionalized, and I have to leave because I couldn't remotely maintain the place by myself.

Thanks to the support of kind strangers and the people who love me I've got plans to get out of Texas to Washington state to be someplace safer... but the prospect is still incredibly difficult and painful because it means leaving behind the people I love and my support network...

The raw stress of all of this has me to the point where it's a major accomplishment to just do the fucking laundry...

Oh, and get this... the apartment complex I was looking at rejected my application because of that aforementioned landlord demanding $5k from me... because of course our lovely society thinks someone who has to leave a place because of poverty just miraculously has many times the rent to just hand over while they still try and find a place to live...

I've been crying and sobbing for weeks... even before this rejection...

And before anyone mentions: roommates just don't work out... I have only ever had one house where things have been remotely comfortable and stable with other people. Most of all because my mix of disabilities and autism causing conflicts with people... I can only really live alone it seems. (Those same problems that have made me struggle with employment my entire life)

... I'm just so tired of clinging on to life by my fingernails... I don't want riches and luxury... I just want to fucking exist...

I honestly wish giving up was an option on days like this...

I could probably use some words of encouragement right now... I don't even know if I'm able to process them... but I need something...